Updated: Apr 11, 2020
"...You were wrong for staying!" Those were the words that blared through my phone this morning when I accepted a call from NYS DOC (New York State Department of Corrections). We hadn't spoken in a week after our last conversation ended with me getting a proposition from my now ex asking for my thoughts on the idea of him coming to "visit me on the weekends" once he was released from prison. I had challenged him by asking, "Why would I even allow such a thing" when I already knew his feelings and the uncertainty he had about "us". I already knew the answer. He wanted the benefits of me without having to actually commit to me. I was getting annoyed with constantly having to explain myself and why I didn't want to go through with such a dumb ass and pointless act. So, I challenged him by saying, "You don't deserve my friendship because in reality, you're a liar and you never take accountability for any of your actions or acknowledge any of the things you've done over the years!" Thats when it came, the firing of the words that would pierce not only my heart but also my soul.
He said, "You want to blame me but the fact is, You were wrong for staying. You were wrong for staying and sticking around waiting for me to change or be different when you knew how I was." That shit knocked the wind out of me. It angered me. It saddened me. It stirred something inside of me. I mustered up the energy to repeat what was just said to me as if I was hearing incorrectly, "I was wrong for staying... "I. Was. Wrong. For. Staying. Wow, that was probably the most profound thing you have ever said to me" I think in that instance, he had realized what had just happened, and he tried to clean it up, but it was too late. The revelation had already made its way and took root inside of me. It was in that moment that I realized, he was right.
Many will argue that the Taurus in me, means my loyalty to people, even those underserving, unwavering. Today, I am denouncing that notion and instead taking ownership that my obsession with marriage and relationships causes me to stay in relationships longer than I am supposed to. Since the age of 15 I have been in involved in some of the most abusive relationships. The first one being with my daughter's father which resulted in me being left with 8 stitches above my right eyebrow after I caught him cheating at a football game, only to find out a few weeks later that I was pregnant with her. We stayed together until she was born but by the time she had turned 6 months, we had broken up after he had what I always called an out of body experience and kicked my mother's door in and dragged me out of the house, all while I was holding her in my arms. He wanted to kill me, no, seriously, he even wrote about it and posted about it on MySpace (we didn't have Twitter, IG or FB back then). It was ok, because it later was used as evidence in our ugly custody battle.
His reason: He was mad because I had finally made the decision to end the relationship.
My next encounter came when my son's dad and I got together. It took years for the abuse physical abuse, but the mental abuse started early. We finally parted ways after a bloody argument that left him ready to shoot up my entire house.
His Reason: I called him out I found an eviction notice and turn off notice for the home we shared. He realized that he wasn't ready for a "family" and wanted out. His "out" was getting us evicted and living my children and I homeless, since we weren't from there. One thing lead to another, and we came blows. My sister was also living with me at the time and was outside when she heard us fighter. Her and her male friends rushed in to save me and my children. I guess he got intimated by all of the male presence and felt it would be best to "win" by calling his sister to come shoot up our home.
Then my boyfriend after him, who to this day, I swear on everything, was the son of Satan. He was by far the worst and the most dangerous. I won't go into too much detail, because discussing him literally makes me sick.
His reason: I honestly don't think he had one. He was just unhappy with life and was a drunk. I remember one night he became so enraged after I said out loud" I wish you would just leave me the fuck alone", he literally stormed up the steps and ran into our bedroom, LIFTED the bed up off the ground, WITH ME IN IT, and
T H R E W it (and me) across the room and up against a wall.
After years of the pain I just started to believe that I was cursed. I constantly questioned what I did or who did I wrong in a previous life that would cause me to experience so much hurt and pain.
So you see, having all of these failed relationships, I was more than committed to making my next one, with the right man, work! No matter what, whatever it took. When I met my ex, I did JUST that. My ex was NEVER physically abusive towards me. He has never been verbally abusive towards me. He did things a different way. His love came in waves, as did his questionable actions. We would have these periods of AMAZING moments and then out of nowhere, he would act like a completely different person. Our relationship is where I realized just how damaging and dangerous mental abuse, narcism and manipulation really are. I also realized how hard it was to get away from. That was us, for almost 5 years. Waves of great times and waves of bad. The bad started becoming more frequent and ended up becoming our new normal. Still I tried. I stayed, enduring it all. I gave all I could all I literally had to offer emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and even physically. Hell, I even went to give that MF a kidney. Nothing changed. Years passed. The waves came and went. Now, he's locked up, still, in true form, making waves.
"You were wrong for staying". When those words left his lips, it felt like the ultimate betrayal, it felt like my deepest most darkest secret had been exposed. And for it to come, FROM HIM, of all people, the person I endured the most for and from. I had lied to myself and told myself that because he didn't hit me or call me out of my name, that I could stay around, because I had been through worse. In reality, they were all the same.
Truth is of the matter is:
I was wrong for staying. I am not blaming myself or saying that I deserved any of the mistreatment but I am wrong confusing loyalty with codependency. I was wrong for forcing myself into believing that my love for a man would always be measured by how much pain, physical or not, I would to endure at their hand.
At HIS hands.
You can only be triggered by things you haven't healed from and today I learned that I haven't healed, not from that. Today I realized that after all of these years, Fear has kept me captive. Fear has conditioned me. Fear is what betrayed me today. Fear showed up to challenge me and to test me.
Fear also forced me to make a decision: Was I was going to continue allowing my love to be measured by my hurt? By this hurt?
The short answer : No.
The long answer: Today, I am choosing to walk away, fully. His knows more than anyone that I love him, unconditionally, however I cannot say the same for him. His love, is in fact, conditional. That, no longer serves me or my highest self. Nor does it reflect the divine love I am deserving of.
"You were wrong for staying", He said.
My replied: "Yes, I WAS."
Past tense: first and third person singular past of be.
And just like that, I closed the book to a lifetime of toxic learned behavior and ended an almost 5 year relationship.