11:44 PM 4/19/2021
Last night I was working on my heart chakra space, + the memory of my ex's 33rd bday came up. This was our first birthday we had spent with one another + the first thing that came to mind was how I bought him 33 bday gifts, one gift to make up for every year we had missed + then of course a gift for his actually bday. To throw in some extra razzle dazzle I bought him 3 different cakes, because well you know 33 different cakes would've been super OD. 😩 Over the 5 years we were together, shit just got grander even when the love +respect became not only, invisible, but remained no more.
Anywho- I got the thinking even harder; about how I show up for
+social media strangers
+people I met throughout life, be at school, jobs, etc
Doing all things good +genuine. I’ll support, patronize, shout out, share information freely, make introductions, Stan. Hell there was once even a time where I was struggling like bad, emotionally, financially, spiritually, but my best friend at the time, who had been that for YEARS, came to me, and asked if I could help her pay her deposit for an apartment. Today, present day, we don't even speak. Couldn't find her if I wanted to. I know she's around because we're friends on Social Media, but other than that, we aren't connected in any way. Why, you ask. It's simple ENVY, all because I pulled myself up. No matter what life threw at me, I choose resilience. +she HATES that for me. She never lets me forget that we “share the same struggle”. Which now I have come to know is “trauma bond”. Also, please know this isn’t even an assumption, this is something she has verbalized not only to me in so many words but also others because she thought it wouldn’t get back to me.
I do things for others knowing that deep down it’ won't be reciprocated or even appreciated. Even knowing that the intention of the person asking isn’t always genuine or honest. Knowing that often times, I can’t even get a phone call from other's just to say"Hi". Still, I did, I give from my heart. Finally, I am in a space to admit, that that does in fact bother me. I use to lie +say that it didn't but it does.
That’s when I was like Tiffany.. NOW TIFFANY.. what’s tea sis? Why is everyone else held to a higher regard in your life other than yourself? Outside of your children NO ONE else is more deserving of you showing up in such a grand way for them more than... YOU
+that’s when I feel on the floor because I had to really come to terms that I haven’t treated myself good in over 6 years. I be faking like I do, but I really don’t. Outside of material shit, take that out- I don’t pray for myself the way I do others. I don’t take care + nurture myself the way I do others, hell I don’t even reiki myself the way I do others. I don’t tell myself I love you +mean it the way I do others. I don’t try to prove shit to myself the way I do others. I don’t try to accept myself flaws +all the way I do others.
I say all of that to say- That shit ended last night.
+I pray that if you’re struggling with going above +beyond for everyone other than yourself, my prayer is that you see yourself in the same LIGHT you see others. I pray that you know you should be top priority when it comes to your :